[Fade in. We're in a cavern, lit from somewhere up ahead. There's an abbreviated chinking sound, like metal on stone. We travel up the passageways, which show the marks of having been travelled and searched for something - chisel marks on the walls here and there, and sticky notes attached to the rock every now and then. As we round another bend, we find the source of the light - a halogen upright lantern - and a young blonde-haired woman, in an Indiana Jones-style outfit. She's chiseling at the wall, carefully tapping the end of the chisel with a hammer. As one final piece of stone crumbles away, she sits back to regard the curious inscription she's uncovered, along with a large seal beneath it.] Inscription: I, Koshi Rikdo, hereby give my permission to turn Excel Saga into a crossover fanfic story! << Insert opening theme here >> JASON LOW as PROJECT HEARD presents Quack Experimental Fan Fiction Gold Digger Author's Notes: Okay, this is my first attempt at an Excel Saga fanfic, and the first time in a long time I've used a quasi-script format instead of third-person past-tense. Please be gentle, and enjoy! :) Also this is all my own, other than the characters and situations pulled from Excel Saga and Gold Digger. I realize there's other "Quack Experimental Fan Fiction" stories out there. I'm not trying to copy you. Really. :) [Fade in. We're looking in on ACROSS Headquarters, in F City, F Prefecture. Standing in the room are EXCEL, HYATT, and MENCHI. Seated across from them is LORD ILPALAZZO, reading a book of some kind.] [Excel launches her hand into the air as if she's trying to reach the sky.] Excel: HAIL, Ilpalazzo!!! [Hyatt lifts her hand semi-timidly and smiles.] Hyatt: hail.. [Menchi raises her paw.] [Ilpalazzo is reading a comic graphic novel/trade paperback. He doesn't look up as he speaks.] Ilpalazzo: Greetings, my faithful servants! I'm glad to see you're all doing well today, for I will need you for a special mission. Excel: Of course, Lord Ilpalazzo! We are happy to be here and ready to serve you in whatever capacity you deem necessary, so long as it means we are able to continue to serve the secret ideal organization ACROSS in the future! And despite our _accidental_ defeat in our last mission we have attended here yet again in order to be party to another of your magNIFicent missions! Furthermore I am happy to report the good news that we have been able to put off using our emergency food rations for yet another day! [Menchi bristles and collapses on the floor.] [Ilpalazzo gives a dismissive wave, not looking up.] Ilpalazzo: That's all right. I've called you here to brief you on ACROSS Operational Mission number 5150, tailored specifically for you. Excel: A mission for us? That is so profoundly unexpected! Hyatt: what is the mission you want us to accomplish, sir? Ilpalazzo: I don't have time to provide you with the details right now, but I'm sure with your excellent deductive skills and inquisitive nature, you'll be able to figure it out quite easily. I need you to go to a place called the At-lan-ta Fish Market. [A rope descends from the ceiling. Excel flinches and speaks quicker (than usual).] Excel: Excel does not mean to disrespect the great Lord Ilpalazzo, but she thinks she has uncovered a LITtle _snag_ in the plan as it stands right now! Sir! [Ilpalazzo stops, fingers mere inches from the rope. He looks up over his glasses, over the top of the book, at her.] Ilpalazzo: And what might that be? [Excel scratches the back of her head and looks toward Hyatt, sweatdropping.] Excel: Excel should remind Lord Ilpalazzo that the last time she and Hatchan were sent to an area where food is prepared, there was this little PROBLEM with the health department and Hatchan-- Hyatt: i think what senior is trying to say is, my condition occasionally bothers the general population, especially when i am around food they are trying to eat.. Ilpalazzo: Hmm. I'm sure you will work something out. Good luck! [Ilpalazzo pulls the rope.] Excel: NOT THE MAGMA AGAIN!!! [No trap doors open in the floor. Instead, a laser pops out of the ceiling, and blasts the two ladies and their dog; they disappear in a puff of blue smoke.] [As the smoke clears, Ilpalazzo returns to his book, and shakes his head with a faint smile.] Ilpalazzo: Joe, Joe, Joe... why don't you listen to Vicky... [Fade to a new scene. A young woman in an Indiana Jones-like outfit, walking alongside a tall catgirl, heads through the open-air mall. She's holding a disposable camera and gushing to the catgirl.] Gina: I can't wait to get this developed and show you what I saw on that trip! You've got to see the little things! They're... so... KYOOTE! Brit: Yeah, whatever! Let's hurry up! I want to get to the market before someone else lays claim to that new batch of fish coming in off the coast! [Excel and Hyatt are manning a booth at the market. Excel looks bored. Hyatt looks spaced, of course. Menchi sits beneath the table, peeking out at the world (and possible freedom!) from the cloth bunting around the front of the table.] Excel: This sucks, Hatchan! Look at all this food, and we can't even have a bite of it! Hyatt: we can, senior, but we have to account for every piece of fish that is for sale here. Excel: I'm getting desperate here! I may have to dip into the emergency supply soon! [There's a yelp and a furry thud from under the table as Menchi passes out. Excel brings out a money belt with 'Emergency Funds' stamped across it.] [Gina and Britanny come walking down the aisle, looking at the different stocks each vendor has to offer. Gina uses a tricorder to scan each batch, and Brit races back and forth between each of them, nearly salivating as she sniffs them all and pokes them and so on. Excel blinks and sits up straight.] Excel: Look at those two, Hatchan! Surely they are the reason Lord Ilpalazzo has sent us here, to recruit them to start a branch office here in the west! Hyatt: are you certain, senior? they don't seem the kind to be interested.. *gghh* [Hyatt slumps forward and thuds onto the table, eyes vacant and glazed.] Excel: Hatchan! Are you blind again! Come back to the light! Take a look at them! They're obviously incredibly skilled and equipped. The one has gadgets that just BARELY fall short of rivalling Lord Ilpalazzo's inventions, and the other is ... a cat!! They're hugely popular here and could help in our quest for global domination! Hyatt: if you say so, senior.. [still with her head on the table] [Excel gathers herself as the two Diggers girls approach. She props up Hyatt, whose head flops lazily to the side about three words into Excel's rapid-fire, squealed greeting.] Excel: HelLO, ignorant mass--erk, faithful citizens of the good city of At-lan-ta, and welcome to the fish market! Are you sole searching, or just checking us out for the halibut?? Whatever you want, we have here at the At-lan-ta fish market! Take your pick but don't take your time! [Brit leans in close.] Brit: Just tell me if you have any fresh stock from the Grand Banks! [Hyatt's eyes go wide and she gaah's at Brit's fish breath. She keels over off the chair. Excel reels a little and her eyes go spirally, but she recovers.] Excel: We handle transactions from not only the GRAND banks, but ALL the banks! Every one of them! Rest assured your service is met with a smile, for we at.. um... [Excel has to lean forward to look at the sign facing out, so she knows the name of the place she's working at. Brit leans back to get out of the way, and Excel almost falls on a frightened, revived Menchi.] Excel: Gah! Sorry Menchi! Excel's not ready to turn you into patties just yet! [Brit crouches and tries to pet Menchi.] Brit: You call your dog Munchy? [Menchi was trying to give Brit lots of 'TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE' vibes, but upon hearing that, has another fit and runs and hides.] Excel: No! Menchi! Her name is Menchi! Gina: Sounds like a dessert topping to me. [Gina looks at Excel's name tag, and snickers.] Gina: Excel, huh? Is your partner named "Outlook"? Or maybe "Access"?! [Brit explains apologetically while Gina breaks down into fits of laughter.] Brit: Sorry. She accidentally got on the short bus today, if you know what I mean. Excel: Ano... [Excel blinks.. *pikupiku* She doesn't get it at all. Hyatt climbs back up onto her chair and uses the bunting to wipe some blood from her mouth.] Hyatt: good morning, and i am hyatt.. senior agent excel thinks we are here to help you... Gina: Huh? [Excel sweatdrops and scratches the back of her neck.] Excel: Way to throw me out of the nest, Hatchan! Excel is here to teach you all about the Secret Ideological Organization ACROSS and what role you can play in it! Are you ready? Good! Let's go! [Before either Diggers sister can say anything, a flat-panel screen drops down from the top of the booth, behind Excel and Hyatt. Excel suddenly has a pointer stick and starts gesturing and indicating in fast-motion, to pictures that flash by quickly on the screen, to accommodate for her lightning-fast talking.] Excel: Okay here's the deal the great Lord Ilpalazzo has decided to give you two the chance to become a remote western branch of the Secret Ideological Organization ACROSS of which he and Hatchan and Menchi and I are agents! Our mission is global domination, well actually we're starting out with domination of F City, but if he's recruiting you then we must be branching out after all so just forget what I said there! Anyway, as junior agents in a branch office, you will report to the more SENIOR agents such as mySELF and Hatchan-- [Excel whaps herself and Hyatt in turn with the pointer. When she whaps Hyatt, Hyatt gets a blank expression and keels over again, falling out of sight.] Excel: --not to mention the great Lord Ilpalazzo himself! You will be given many missions, some of which will be... [As Excel keeps going on, Gina and Brit blink and stare dumbfoundedly.] Brit: What a nutcase... Gina: For once I agr.. uh? Ace, is that you? [A man in a leather bomber jacket and ballcap turns and recognizes Gina.] Ace: Huh? Hey, yo, G! 'Sup, Brit? Brit: You're not here to go after my fish, are you? [Ace grins sheepishly and holds up a couple of fingers very close together.] Ace: Just a little bit, Cheets! You know how girls get with cravings sometimes. [Total blank look from the Diggers sisters. Ace has a HUGE sweatdrop on his head as he realizes his gaffe.] Ace: AH HAH! HAHAHAHA! Er, forget I said that! Nothing!! Never mind!! [Meanwhile, Excel is wrapping up her little intro to ACROSS.] Excel: ..nosy, annoying neighbors and no food and making sure you look both ways before falling into the pit! Okay, any questions? [Excel sits smiling, with her hands folded and resting on the table, as the display panel rises into the ceiling and Hyatt rises back onto her chair, wiping off more blood with a whole fish that was lying before her.] Hyatt: ah, much better, good morning. Gina: I think you're not firing on all cylinders.. Brit: What kind of fish shop is this anyway?? [Excel wears her defeated/frustrated look.] Excel: Eghe... you don't get it do you... this is going to be difficult, or... something just dawned on Excel.. maybe Hatchan was right and you two aren't supposed to be recruited after all.. which means Excel just gave away all the company secrets to a couple of soldiers of the enemy!! [Excel tries to climb over the table at the two, and they back up out of reach.] Brit: Uh... sis? Gina: Yeah, Brit? Brit: What do we do now? [Gina thinks.] Gina: We run like hell! Brit: We run like hell?? Gina: We run like hell!! [Brit picks up her sister and cradles her under one arm, preparing to run like the wind] Brit: Okay, you're the boss... but I want my fish! [They rush off in a cloud of dust, whipping up a fierce wind, and leaving Excel, Hyatt, Menchi, and Ace in their wake.] Ace: Damn! What's up, yo-- Excel: C'mon, Hatchan! After them! [Hyatt apparently died of a fish allergy, face down in the pile on the table.] Voice: I'll cover your escape, ladies! [Ace turns to look at the sound, a familiar voice.] Ace: Is that..? [Nabeshin steps out of a nearby booth.] Nabeshin: Yeah, man! Ace: It's Nabeshin! Damn, my dad had some stories 'bout you! [Nabeshin reaches behind his head, or rather into his afro.] Nabeshin: You must be Ace! Listen, only you can help me take care of this problem, okay? Ace: No prob! I'm on it. [Ace darts off as Nabeshin pulls out a pair of fillet knives.] Excel: Hey, get out of our way... Gggnnn!! [Excel ducks and rolls as the knives zing past her and embed themselves in the back wall of the booth, but not before Hyatt sits up again and gets pinned to the wall firmly.] Nabeshin: That's one! Excel: Hatchan!! Are you okay?? Hyatt: good morning, senior, i'm fine - just a little tied up at the moment.. [There's a loud, rapid, whupp'ing sound, and a wind picks up again. Over the top of another booth comes an APACHE LONGBOW with Ace at the controls.] Ace: I got your back, yo! [Nabeshin flashes the V-for-victory sign at Ace, who flies the gunship perilously close to Excel and the booth. The two ladies and Menchi, and most of the booth, fly off into the sky, carried by a tremendous wind. The rest of the display is blown into the water.] [Fade to another scene. Excel and Hyatt are both soaking wet, standing in ACROSS HQ. Excel tilts her head to one side and pounds the 'upper' ear. From the 'lower' ear pours about ten gallons of water, some minnows, an eel, two lobsters, and a squid.] Excel: Ugh! That was a bust. Hyatt: you must learn to appreciate the positives, senior. [Excel adopts her stunned look again.] Excel: "Positives", Hatchan? [Hyatt smiles.] Hyatt: we got to take a sea cruise on the way home! [Excel does the same thing with the other ear, dislodging similar stuff] Excel: Gerh... Next time it might be nice to take a BOAT, Hatchan! [The music begins, and both girls turn and salute their fearless leader.] Excel: HAAAAAILL, ILPALAZZO!! Hyatt: haiill.... *burble* [Hyatt coughs up a huge amount of seawater and falls backwards out of view.] [Ilpalazzo reads the last page of the graphic novel and smiles, shaking his head and closing the cover. As he sets down the book, he pushes his glasses up slightly and looks out over Excel and Hyatt.] Ilpalazzo: Welcome home, ladies! Did you get me that succulent Atlantic salmon I ordered from the market? [Excel's jaw drops farther than should be humanly possible.] Girls: Salmon??... EPISODE GD01: The Kipper Caper Today's Experiment................................................. FAILED.